The Grocery Store

Do ya’ll just cringe when you think about sending your husband to the grocery store for full on groceries; not the staple trip of milk, bread and butter?  Yeah, well I do, and here’s why.

About a month ago I was working some extra hours at Chateau de Hell due to the holidays.  We needed groceries so the hubby decides to take one for the team and go get them since my “free time” was pretty limited.  And after this huge concession, much like a child he announced, “I even made a list!”.  Okay, great.  I did do a silent cheer in my mind, but my experience has proven you’ve got to dole out praise sparingly so they don’t take it or you for granted.  So hi ho, hi ho, off to work I went.

I got home that night and I asked how it went.  He gave me the play by play, which is how he tells ANY story, while in my mind I’m thinking “just get to damn point”.  He began with telling me about getting the boys ready, loaded into the car, finding a spot to park, etc.  I can’t really remember much after that because this is when I usually zone out during his story time until I heard the words “we checked out”.  My eyeballs unglazed and my ears came open and he announced he spent about a hundred dollars.  Okay, cool.  So I said, “What all’d you get?”.   Mistake.  I got another play by play of each respective aisle, the products, product placement, product considerations.  I zoned out again and thought that I better throw him a bone here and say job well done.  I did and went about my business for the night.

I went upstairs and opened the linen closet only to find a shelf of hand soap.  I was like WTF???  I yelled down the stairs, “Did you buy all of this hand soap?”.  Here he came running smiling, so proud of his work.  He says, “Yeah, it was on sale.”.  Sweet Jesus, help me.  1)  We don’t need 6 hand soaps (the other 4 which are now proudly displayed throughout the house) 2)  even if it’s on sale, we really didn’t save anything by buying 10 and 3)  I HAD A F#$*ING REFILL underneath the counter in the kitchen!!!!!   I’m all about economizing and efficiency and it doesn’t stop at buying hand soap by the gallon.  So I just nodded and politely said that we had a refill bottle too so we won’t be needing this for awhile.  I then happened to get into our freezer that is now laden with bologna and cotto salami.  I knew before I even asked about it and yep, you guessed it too, it was on sale.  So I won’t pull a Master P here (my fond nickname for him that is not in homage to the rapper, but rather Master P for Master Procrastinator), and give YOU the play by play of what I found, but lets suffice it to say, I was now stocked and hand soap, paper towels, bologna (gag me!) and various other items all because they were on sale!

Now I have to give some unspoken rules here about going to the grocery store.  There are certain things I refuse to buy generic and others that absolutely must be generic.  Paper towels are ONE of those things that I refuse to buy name brand.  I am not spending $15 on a pack of them – no way, no how.  His paper towels were name brand, but because they had the “Rollback” sign mounted above them like a beacon from above beckoning him, he bought them.  I rationed those puppies out like they were gold.

But the crowning moment of glory for my hubby that got him banned officially from ever going to the grocery store unless it was for just a one-off item, was baby formula and my pop.  At the time, our son was 10 months old.  Been drinking the same friggin’ formula the entire time.  The baby needed formula on this trip to the store.  So you’re probably thinking that he forgot the formula in all his excitement over his “bargains”.  Nope, he remembered, only he bought the little travel size can.  I mean, common sense would tell you upon picking up that soup can sized thing that this isn’t going to last very long lest I also mention that wouldn’t he have thought it felt wrong picking up a much smaller can than what he’s been touching for the last 10 months??  But in his mind, “we need formula, I bought formula, it’s done”.  Regarding my pop, I drink Diet Cherry Coke like it’s water and there’s always one near me.  What does he bring home that day?  Plain ‘ol, standard variety Diet Coke.  He saw the silver on the box and thought again, “She needs pop, I bought pop, it’s done”.  So guess who had to go to the store the next day?  ME, but my hands were super clean though.