Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Snow Shoveling

Alright, so we live in the Midwest and therefore our weather will cycle through all four seasons in one given day.  In the winter time we are especially blessed by Alaskan-worthy amounts of snowfall.  So far, we've been given a hall pass and haven't had much snow this winter but on the few occasions we've received more than just a dusting, I just get pissed.  Not because of the actual weather, but because we get to look like the asshole neighbors who don't take care of their driveway and sidewalks.  You see, my husband INSISTS that he be the one to take care of this lovely chore, BUT does he get up early enough in the morning to get it done before work?  Hell to tha no.  And you want to know why?  He believes in his heart of hearts that the sun will melt most of it (despite 3 foot drifts and/or 100 mph winds) so it'll be easier to do when he gets off of work annnnnnd, he knows the neighbors on either side of us won't stop at their respective property lines on the sidewalk when they're out there at 5 am hence making less work for him when he decides to do it at 5 PM!  See?  Asshole.  I think it's rude and fortunately (or unfortunately if you don't have a black heart like me), our neighbors have caught on to him and have stopped doing this.

This year I've taken matters into my own hands and have done it as soon as he leaves for work which is an interesting dynamic since we have a baby.  I don't fuck around though.  I get after it, take care of the kid and balance the family sedan on my head all while doing it.  He came home for lunch on one of these occasions AND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!!  He says, "See?  The sun worked today.".  I wanted to kick him in the balls - I would have had my toes not still been numb!  But then to pour more salt in my wound, he cannot even remember to do a path on our deck and deck steps or its landing for our dogs.  We have fu-fu dogs who don't like to get cold.  And actually, if it's bitter cold, their little feet cramp up and they get stuck outside because they can't walk so you have to watch them like a hawk if the weather is like this.  So the deck is a huge priority!  Just this past week we had some icy shit drizzle down and it coated the deck.  I have watched the poor dogs look and gauge their steps much like a drunk assesses a curb to step onto in navigating to the promise land.  I've even helped them down, but have refused to shovel just to give him the opportunity to have that "aha!" moment of self-discovery.  (And contrary to what you would think based on this blog, I don't like to emasculate him at every turn.)  I waited three days and decided today's the day!  I asked him before he left for work if he could please remember the deck.  (Again, he LOVES to do this and wants it to be HIS job).  Just guess his response.  Please.  Yep.  Here it is:  "I didn't think it needed done because the sun would melt it off.".  Enough with the fucking sun already!!!!  The sun is great, I love the sun, and yes, it does have magical powers, but C'MON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I politely reminded him that yes it had melted some, but the angle of the sun hitting the deck causes the railings to shadow the steps so it's now just ice.  He grudgingly goes and gets the shovel and comes back with slumped shoulders and his head sagging (much like a child when they've been naughty) and gets it done.  Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

Now let's back this tractor up a second though.  Once we had our first child five years ago, I said, "Why don't we get a snow blower so it's easier and takes less time?".  His response, "But I like the exercise and I think the shovel does a better job anyway.".  Hmmmm, so let me get this straight.  On the one hand, he's expecting the Holy Light to melt the snow (translated:  I don't want to do it), but on the other, shoveling is the route to go so it gets done properly (translated:  I care about the job I do with this).  I'm so confused.  Regardless, here's the real deal.  Bless his little metro heart, but he's CLUELESS when it comes to any type of power tool or equipment.  By the grace of God is he able to start the lawn mower.  But I really believe he fears not being able to start the thing should we own a snow blower so then he not only can't get the drive done, but he looks like a pussy to all of our manly neighbors when he has to come get me to get it started.  (They're primarily engineers)  So I guess this is how he earns his man card in the 'hood by demonstrating he can do the back breaking work of shoveling.  Meanwhile, they're watching out their windows shaking their heads saying, "What a dumbass.  You could snow blow in a fraction of the time.".  You'll never need my address if you're looking for me after a snowstorm.  Just look for the house that looks untended.  That's me!


  1. Found you on "People I want to Punch in the Throat." The title of blog drew me in. Keep fighting the good fight.

  2. I came over from People I Want to Punch in the Throat - and this post is hilarious!! It reminds me of my husband! He said the same thing to me the other day. I spent 2 hours shoveling the drive and he thought the sun melted it. I just believe they are in la la land 90% of the time. :) He also said the same thing about the snow blower, but yet he BARELY shovels unless we have more than a foot. :)

    Take care,

  3. See? You're never alone! And you're right. La La Land is an island that does exist - somewhere. Wish I could visit sometime. I'm the perfect measuring stick to use if you're ever feeling bad...reading about my life will instantly make you feel better about yours:) Thanks for the response and feel free to share you're own stories! I appreciate the following!!

  4. OMG I was at the Doctor today getting muscle relaxers for the pulled shoulder I got shoveling the entire driveway the other day cause my husband thought it would melt!!!!!! In my next life I am so becoming a lesbian!

  5. I'm with you Heather! A dear friend of mine converted a year ago and constantly tells me how much easier life is in a same sex relationship. Feel better soon!!! (P.S. Just do a half ass job on his side of the driveway like I do.:))

  6. Oh wow, I am not alone ;) I have given up and do the shoveling myself too! What is it with men!
    PS> Also came over from 'People I want to punch'